he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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