I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
