Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
