you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I stole a fireplace last night.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
