I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
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Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
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the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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