did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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