So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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