you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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