Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
