I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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