Your face is a jimmy john
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I wish you could order shots online.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I need mimosas to revive my soul
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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