Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
