Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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