I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Sext me about skeletons
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
