i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
