toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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