I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
