My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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