I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
