youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
