I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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