eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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