bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
