i'm signing you up for texting rehab
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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