I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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