i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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