omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
