you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
