I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
im holly from the hills drunk
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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