ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
