I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
