My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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