This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Just took my morning after pill in the library
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
