Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
