You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
