Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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