If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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