Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
