Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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