maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
