you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
