i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
