Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
