I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
