yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
