Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
