She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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