dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
