His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
being pregnant is like rehab
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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