oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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