Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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