If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
