so that wasnt chicken after all
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
