Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
