So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you will always have a special place in my vag
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
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