I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
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