a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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